My Autobiography

Part one - kindergarten and preschool

I can remember hiding from my abusive mother at an early age. In kindergarten, she used to walk me to school, but I always walked along a parallel street, never actually with her if I could help it. This is because my mother was unpredictable, nasty, and seemed to have made me her target for some reason, although around other people this was never obvious. I think that this is the same thing that happens to many other abused kids, whose parents are not in therapy or recovery. My family, which should have been a source of support from an early age, was actually a place of terror and abuse. I remember distinctly avoiding my mother when I was very young which always made her angry. I recall hiding under and behind cabinets, cupboards and desks when I knew she was going to be coming to pick me up after school in Kindergarten, which never failed to make her angry. For some reason, as a young child I thought that this would make her go away, or maybe take some other child home. The school never seemed to notice this, for some reason. I can remember, from a very young age, being told by my mother that I was a retarded girl, that I had a "brain problem" because of a hard birth and delivery, and being beat up with wire hangers and shoes. My mother had a vile temper and seemed to pick on me because I was the oldest, regardless of what I "tried" to do. I know that many other kids have been abused, and I am not alone with this, but certain parts of my life story involving these gangs and gang activity seems to be wrapped up with Civil Rights, which is further explained at the end of this "Kindergarten" sequence. When I was very young and in Kindergarten, the President Kennedy assassination took place, along with hassles on the street where we lived at that time. The was mild, compared to some of the other things that occurred in my life, but I believe very relevant. I can recall it clearly because of, of all things, a merchant located at the end of our street. These folks, a middle aged couple, owned a small neighborhood convenience store, called "Dean's Market". Mr. and Mrs. Dean worked in this small convenience store that they owned every day, and were always very businesslike and friendly to me, a little kid with a wrinkled up dollar bill and a loaf of bread. On the day that then President Kennedy died, they had a small television on in their store and were both watching television and crying. This was not characteristic for them, so I asked them why they were crying, and they told me: "Our President, the President of the United States...President Kennedy...was killed today". This was the first I heard about this, and when I went home, my mother confirmed this. The death of President Kennedy was in the middle of an imaginary time line with neighborhood racial problems on both sides of imaginary timeline occuring in that Knoxville, Pennsylvania neighborhood on Rochelle Street. Before and after this event, blacks were crossing a park at the end of Rochelle Street to harass white homeowners in threatening ways, like breaking into people's homes. Blacks and whites at that time, lived in their own neighborhoods, and the neighborhood park at the end of the street separated a black neighborhood from a white neighborhood. The people being harassed were the white homeowners who lived closest to the park, at the end of "Rochelle Street". Two of the victims of this were my grandparents, (my mother's parents), who lived on the same street as us but lived closer to the park, and owned their home. I was particularly aware of this because as a young child, I used to stay with my grandmother who was alone a lot and who lived just down the street. My grandmother spent a great deal of time alone because my grandfather, who worked in a Pittsburgh steel mill, worked the 4:00pm to 11:00pm shift, and would go to a particular bar after work nightly and stay there until closing time. He then slept most of the day, then left for work at about 3:00pm and repeated this same thing day after day. I was the oldest and the scapegoat at home, and my grandmother was alone a lot, so the arrangement of me staying there from time to time seemed to work out because it took stress off of my mother who had two other children at that time. (My youngest sister, who is seven years younger than me wasn't born yet). I distinctly remember the happenings due to hearing about this on almost a daily basis from my grandmother who was in constant fear, who finally got metal bars installed on the basement windows. When I and my family moved out of that neighborhood into a house my parents bought on Sceneridge Avenue in Brentwood (another suburb of Pittsburgh), this racial activity was still in full force and many of the homeowners had decided to sell their homes. Part of this particular gang and terrorist activity was geared at this - and in particular to get these homeowners to sell their homes at "cheaper than market value" out of fear. The police seemed to be ineffective in controlling these people and blacks were blamed for this. I understand that this is now a black neighborhood. This is the earliest that I recall gang activity impacting my life.

Part two - elementary school in Brentwood, Pa.

There was a lot that went on in my life when I was in elementary school. My parents bought a house on Sceneridge Avenue and I started first grade while living in that house. I still was the scapegoat in the family and always felt inferior and less than. I used to walk to school with my head down and wore clothes that were sometimes dirty and ragged and socks with holes, because this is what I had to wear. I also had continued problems with bullies at school. The most discouraging bully was a girl who "was" my 'good friend' before she became resentful over me getting a new coat, smeared red "squishy" berries all over my new coat, and she and I had a physical fight. This was the only physical fight I ever had with a bully because I usually just ignored them. My father was a salesman and was gone a lot, and my mother was abusive. Probably the most important thing that happened while in that house, related to gang activity was being hit by a car. This occurred right after I was getting off of the city bus at the top of my street. I still have a scar across my forehead as a result of this. This accident occurred when I was about 11 or 12 years old and was going to church for confirmation classes. I was hit by a car driven by someone who was suppoed to be important, and was taken to the local emergency room. I was also bruised up and my parents took photographs of me when I came home from the hospital, after they darkened these bruises with a lead (graphite) pencil. This was part of an insurance fraud scheme where they took these photos into the courtroom instead of taking me there. This "child hit by a car " incident caused someone to go on a political tirade and they wrote an article about this which appeared in the local paper and was on the church bulletin board, because someone , or a group of people, wanted a traffic light put in that spot. After this "accident" occurred, I wanted to go to school in my bruised up condition wearing a chiropractic neck collar, so many of the kids at school knew about this incident. Another thing that I clearly remember was that my mother had in her possession photographs of a blonde girl who was supposed to be me when I was younger. I don't recall ever being blonde naturally without dying my hair. This was supposed to be my mother, my female parent doing this. I had to reconcile this behaviour for years and years and had to realize that not all people should be parents, and that people who have too many children, or are too young, or are literally raising these children alone due to a male partner who is gone much of the time (like my father was), should question having children. My father was in a Sales job and was gone quite a bit. Even after moving to Ohio when I was in junior high, which was supposed to be a more stable situation, family dynamics did not change drastically. In Ohio, my father was supposed to establish a "field office" in his home, but was still rarely there. This "field office" was in the basement, along with a pool table, a washer and dryer, clothes racks and storage racks and the basement floor was concrete with concrete "block" walls, and "high up" basement windows. In Ohio, my father would be gone for long times, would come home and fight with my mother, and sleep for a long time, then sometimes they would go out to "entertain customers" with me as the babysitter or the three other kids since I was the oldest. The family dynamics changed a little in this time period but not a lot.

A diseaster - a marriage took place

I got married out of desparation and not knowing what else to do. I thought my husband would protect me and that I would no longer have problems with gangs and gang activity. Unfortunately, this husband turned out to be low functioning, no matter what I said or did and aligned himself with the perpetrators. This man never supported any of my goals, (educationally or life related) and when crooks showed up to make me a victim, he either acted like this wasn't happening or made some excuse for them - aka a perpetrating abuser. He also had the agenda of always making me feel less than, with verbal abuse. After a child was born, I was stuck. Both fortunately and unfortunately, this husband was not a sexual person, so we only had one child. Now because of all of this abuse by him and these gangs, I am currently pretty much stuck being a caretaker to this mean, nasty man, who has not gotten any better with time, and whose disability of Multiple Sclerosis is getting worse and worse all of the time. I have applied for every job I can think of for many years and have worked only a few temporary and part time jobs since changing my name back from my married name, and moving to Wooster, Ohio, but this has not been a total loss because it helped me to gain a better understanding of other people and what they go through in regard to being abused by these gangs and gang members. This is one of those "don't let this happen to you" scenerios, although I have no idea how I could have done anything other than what I did. My son was subjected to me constantly being abused by crooks, his father also acting abusively to "help" these other people, and his continuing to try to throw monkey wrenches in my path. This husband, who I am now stuck with, always acted more like a jealous female than any kind of husband or male, other than the abusive, "male" way that he treated me. In addition to this, I now listen daily to this man threatening me, including threatening me about being thrown out on the street by him. As a result of being stuck with, and constantly trying to avoid and stay out of the way of this husband for years and years, I attended A.A. meetings, observed other people and listened to them, and read a lot of books on chemical dependency, mental illness, and codependency. I already had a pretty good understanding of psychological pathology and how it manifested itself in people's lives, because of this. I went to college, first at Columbus Technical Institute and then Ohio State and graduated with a bachelor's degree in Social Work. I am currently a Licensed Social Worker. I think that if I had not been in an abusive relationship for so many years, I would have stayed at home more, and probably would have been a career housewife, or worked in clerical jobs. As a result of my abuse issues, I became more aware of other people, and this web site is the initial beginning of starting an agency. I see a need to have an anti-terrorist agency which caters to victims of crime, since I have found nothing in this category when I was seeking it out. The resources available are very limited and are more geared toward short term "band-aid" treatments, than long term change. These other alternatives are more like meeting with a lawyer, who takes action, but not empowering the victims. Another alternative to victim empowerment is to offer a cloistered community setting, like the Amish community, some 'live-in' institution, or inclusion in a gang. This doesn't really teach the victim to live their life because they are still unempowered. There are so many gangs in certain areas of Ohio (like this area for example), Knox County, and Athens county (where I went to Ohio University for two quarters before dropping out), that these gangs have a tendency to isolate victims and "take things over". These gangs all have very strict boundaries and know who is part of their gang and who is not (sort of like a family). The people in the "out groups" are abused over and over, and have not been empowered to do anything about this, because continued abuse pulls victims into a very fragile state. In Ohio, this isn't really a matter of giving people and supporting people in their Civil Rights like with this ex-husband situation, for example. Although I have been enabling this man to continue to work, he has done nothing but abuse me in return and tell me about all of the "money he gives me" (which is not true), along with other kinds of abuse. [There is more information about this kind of behaviour in my link about "Bullies" on my links page]. My proposal is to provide an agency which offers assistance to victims in ways where they no longer have to be victims and can move forward with their lives, in an attempt to be able to 'take back the state' of Ohio from gangs and bullies, in a project which could be called a "reclamation" project of sorts. Instead of 'reclaiming' raw materials like steel, wood, plastic, and "etc"., this project would involve reclaiming and empowering human lives. I am also under the assumption that many gang members/bullies do not want to be gang members, but have resorted to this to stay alive, because terrorism has gotten so bad in Ohio an has been that way for a fairly long time, and this is the lifestyle that certain people have been used to.

When I went to Ohio University in Athens at about the age of 18 or 19 for two quarters, the outlying areas were full of Ku Klux Klan groups, which was common knowledge. In addition to this, some of the students at Ohio University were also gang members. I am now 44 years old and this "gang" problem has only gotten larger and larger. I suspect that the same thing is happening in other states and that this is the kind of thing that led to the September 11 terrorist incident that took place in New York City. In addition to this, instead of the media during this time giving the message that gang activity wasn't acceptable, they glamorized it. The media put out the message that gang activity would lead to great rewards instead of taking control of this situation and doing their part to discourage and eliminate this as much as possible through positive media.

My "marriage from Hell"...encapusulated

My marriage was never really a 'love thing' as I found out more and more through the years, but a manipulation by gangs who I *think* were trying to put me in a certain role, and who I also "think" were trying to recreate a page in history that had already been lived by other people. I say this because of how things began, what took place, and what is happening now in regard to this area. Initially I got married because I was in a situation overall where I was looking for someone to care about me, and my husband then seemed to and pursued me. He cared me much more than I cared about him, at least according to what was verbally expressed, and he knew this at the time, but told me "you will grow to love me". I was about 20 and he was about 32. We were married in 1980; our only child,(a son), was born on December 31, 1982. I initially had lived in Medina, Ohio where I attended high school, and he lived in Wooster, Ohio. We had a very small wedding. The week after we were married, his father had a heart attack and died. His mother was already dead. I was not close with my familymainly because they would not allow me to get to close to them, and really did do things to make me a victim in my own family, so I had struggles with them. After we got married, my husband worked, and we moved to various small towns in Ohio due to his job circumstances. We moved to Columbus because he got a job in Columbus, and I decided to go back to school, get some education, and leave this marriage whch was unfulfilling at best. This is because my husband was uncooperative, did not want to build a life with me in any real way (like refusing to purchase supplies for, or work on a home we rented which we were supposed to buy on land contract at one point), along with many other arguments which had to do with him "powerhousing me" due to his power and control issues. I started going to college at Columbus Technical Institute and then transferred from there to Ohio State University. In order to do this, I worked in various jobs and finally got a loan toward the end of college, because I could not work, go to classes and do my required field placement also (there were not enough hours in the day). During this time, he was not cooperative and told me things like: "you should be happy that I allow you to live here while you are in college", even though we were married at the time. During this time, I also started being harassed by gang members in various ways (for example two of my cars were set on fire at different times). I graduated and started in my chosen field, planning to work and then leave this marriage. I also dated other men during the time we lived in Columbus and attended AA meetings because I really intended to leave this despicable marriage and stay in Columbus. In the career area, things did not work out quite the way I had planned. This is because for some reason I had a great deal of difficulty finding a job after I graduated from college, although I had outstanding grades and references from college. I ended up working for agencies which were corrupt for various reasons, which I found out after working there. The last agency I worked for was corrupt because they were, on the local level (in Columbus) licensing foster homes which had many violations already and were turned down by all of the other Foster Care agencies plus would not listen to directives given by the main office, (claiming they wanted to "do their own thing"). While I was working at this job, a county van rearended my car, and crooks tried to put me in the hospital there on the east side of Columbus. I had no choice over this: I was working in the field, was in my car, and in the rear view mirror saw a black woman in a county van behind me gritting her teeth prior to hitting my car with some impact. Then a police car and an EMS squad showed up in under two minutes. These people put a chiropractic collar around my neck, claimed I "had to" go to the hospital, and took me there. Also at this same period in time, a 'white trash' drunk gang moved onto the street where we lived and would stand in front the house of one gang member in particular in a large group, drinking bottles of beer, and would yell obsenities at me as I drove by. Also on some occasions, the adults in group would do harassing things like falling down on the street, and then laugh, as if some kind of joke, which was bizarre. The children of these people were brats and one adult man who looked like a version of "Charlie Brown" from the cartoon strip, seemed to be the leader of this "brat pack". The kids started harassing my son while he was walking home from school, and in school, and they because his "sometimes" friends. In addition to this, when no one was home, someone was coming into our house and moving things around and leaving evidence of this. Prior to all of this happening, I had gone to many, many people asking for assistance in getting out of this marriage, and I 'understand' I was supposed to be "mentally ill and not deserving of assistance", so this "gang crash" was the last straw. In all of the occasions where I was harassed by gang members, my husband would never do anything about these people or speak to them, and told me that I was 'imagining this' or would make excuses for them. I did go up and talk to one of the main perpetrators in this gang, but this didn't work, because for some reason, this man saw this as some kind of "challenge" or threat. I had to take what would be the "male role" in this, because my husband would not, and actually, these people were not bothering him anyhow, just me and my son. This sort of went along with the other ways that he acted in this marriage. We ended up moving to Wooster for a twofold reason: 1) - because he was an isolate and I felt sorry for him, wrongly thinking that he treated me abusively because of being isolated from people he was familiar with - who were from Wooster, Ohio and 2) - Due to harassment, we had to move "somewhere". I started going to a chiropractor in Columbus after this 'accident' and then transferred this to Wooster, since this "crash" happened while I was working and chiropractic care was covered by Worker's Compensation. In Wooster, the chiropractor "manhandled" me, cracking my neck a little too hard and left a large "lump" at the back of my neck. There was nothing that I could do about this. I have had hassle after hassle with some of these people in Wooster, and have not been able to find any kind of normal employment even close to my career area. I have had only part time, temporary jobs, and have had difficulties at these jobs because of way that some of these other people act and behave. For example, in one case, I worked at Hart Research in Akron, making phone calls for market research projects at a very low hourly wage. I left the job because one of the supervisors, who did not like me and I "think" considered me some kind of a narc, waited until eveyrone was there and ready to work (about 100 people) and then screamed and yelled at me while I was standing across from him with one other person and in front of this large group seated in their individual stalls at computers in a common area. Then, he escorted me to the door as if I had done something to warrant this. All of the other people at this job were left to guess what happened. Then, some of the people in this Wooster, Ohio area are downright mean. For example, a woman who manages a restaurant I applied at for a job asked me if I was "now stable enough for employment". These 'problem people' tend not to be coworkers, but other people who want to play power and control games with me. I could go on and on with examples of gang abuse not only in this fragment of my life, but all of my life, but I think I have given the general idea of what is happening here and has been happening in my life for a long time. Currently, I did get one long wanted wish which was to get divorced but have not been able to get a normal job after changing back to my maiden name although I have sent out literally thousands of resumes, so got quite discouraged. This is what mainly led me to the realization that I "could be" in the middle of a hostile gang. This turned out to be true. I think the only thing to do in these circumstances is to keep refocusing oneself, to make to best of this, to take what I can from this experientially, and to enable myself to move on in the future. I talked to many people, and went through a process of deep introspection and examination of my own life and life motives. I also interviewed a lot of people informally, and learned a lot about the way things are set up in this area, and the kind of abuse that many people go through because of gang activity and the control they got on the area. Because my now ex-husband has M.S. which gets worse and worse with time, but chooses to remain employed, and I have been unable to find a job, I am in the position of being his "personal assistant" - like a wife - 'fetching' cold drinks for him, emptying his urinal while he lays in bed, making lunches, and this week and part of last week have had to drive him to and from his job which is about an hour away. I have also had to listen to continued abuse and threats about him "throwing me out of here" and etc. and have had no parental rights, and have had no parental rights for the last 6 or so years since I am divorced and unempowered. I have gone to all of the local agencies looking for assistance with this and have been told that my alternative to my current situation was to move into the local Domestic Violence shelter, or be a homeless woman, I think mainly because a gang has caused this type of thinking and limited the area so much. The people who are currently in positions of empowerment in the area are not geared toward helping people find jobs, preparing people for employment, or in developing employment opportunities for the most part. The only major employer that moved into the area in the time that I have lived here is Walmart, and many people have complained about this, some of which seems to be warranted based on corruption within that "Walmart" organization.

I did not ask my husband for anything in the divorce for several reasons: 1) I thought that anything I got from him would be 'tainted' anyhow, 2) I wanted to get into a situation where I would stop being the target of abuse by gangs and gang activity, 3) I thought that with a college degree I would have no problem getting a job in my selected area or some other area, and 4) I wanted to be here for my son, who is now 19, because he started to get into gang activity/unruly behaviour when younger and living in Wooster, Ohio and prior to this because he looked like he was going to be another generation of 'this'. As a result, I am currently financially dependent on this "ex" and have no resources. I have asked family members for help but they don't seem to be willing. Apparently, this "ex" wants to either maintain the same "figurehead marriage" status that we had while married, (which includes me playing the role of "a wife" or "partner" in front of other people, with no sexuality, communication, or actual relationship other than my subserviance toward him when not around other people), or be thrown out with no job or resources. In addition to all of this, his health is now fading badly, and he has had heart problems that he has been hospitalized for on two different occasions in addition to the other health problems he has had for a long time, so if I was not in the household, someone would "have to" be. This is my current situation on this date,which is August 27, 2002.

One more thing...

The other thing I think I need to mention in all of this is that as soon as I got married, my family distanced themselves from me totally. I had no idea why or what was going on, but this was painful. When I went to my parents when I started having trouble in my marriage, they said "too bad - you never should have married him in the first place". Then, my mother did not want to be a grandmother to our son and tried to blame me for keeping my son away from her, but she was always "too busy" and thought she was "too young to be a Grandma". I should have know that something was up then, but since I had a strained relationship with my family anyhow, mainly because they were heavy drinkers and could not realy relate to me, I figured this was my fault. Then, my mother started adopting "daughters" and no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I was not invited to family gatherings because I didn't really drink like they did. Because of this, and because of my past history of being abused by gangs, I felt that it was important for me to suceed at "something" which is why I wanted to go back to school and develop a career. This was also my impetus to start going to AA meetings - to "discover the answer", along with helping myself to get out of this 'marriage'. This could be why I probably took this last abuse harder than the average person when gangs decided that they wanted to pull a "gang crash" on me, when I was living in Columbus. Instead of letting me progress on my own and build my life, they did this, but if they hadn't done this, I would still be working for one corrupt agency after another. This wasn't the first thing that these abusive gangs did but it was the most hurtful because there was virtually no reason to keep abusing me - I felt as if I had already been abused all of my life. I thought: "other people do not have to go through this all of their lives - and are 'allowed' to eventually develope themselves and do something". But, not for me, and not in this "gangland state of Ohio". The only consolation here is that I know that I am not alone with this - that crooks and terrorists in Ohio have done the same thing to many other victims. I think what really occurred here is that someone or a group of people did not want me to suceed and follow 'my' path, and then leave them in the "left behind group", so their answser was to make me a victim once again.

If I had been paid...

If I had been paid for all the different times I had been abused by gangs and gang members starting in childhood, I would now be a very wealthy woman, but unfortunately, I never was paid even once. This is because these "occurances" were not accidents - but were very carefully planned attacks by gangs and gang members. When these things occurred, I do not think I was dealing with honest people who had 'accidents' but with crooks who were doing this out of maliciousness and spite. I was not even really paid for the last episode that occurred in Columbus, although my ex-husband claims that I was, but I "think" that the $5,000.00 that he 'claimed' was my "accident settlement was actually the same $5,000.00 that my grandmother gave him in Columbus which she wanted to give to me, (but I was married and I did not want to take her money), so he recycled this back to me. This is because this "accident settlement" would be this $5,000.00 amount with a little interest added - (around $5,600.00). I never went to court for this, either because my then husband and now ex-husband is the one that said that case was "settled" and this was the amount that I got. Because it "looked like" there was collusion with Franklin county and their vehicle, and a white trash gang that invaded our street, I was afraid. once again.

Choices and abuse...

In reality, crooks tried and kept trying to create one disability or another by abusing me with these various gangs to make me be permanently stuck in this in adulthood or throughout growing up, to emulate a dependant child trapped in a family with this kind of dynamic, forever, and out of spite. My abusive mother used to say that I was born with "brain damage" because of a hard birth and delivery and I think that she intended to keep abusing me in one way or another to create this. When I was no longer in a position where she could get her hands on me or control my life, I "think" but don't know, that she became affiliated with these gangs who kept doing abusive things to me to "help her". This is because most people are not isolated and are allowed to make choices and be effective in their own lives, but being stuck as the target of organized crime does not allow for the normal freedom that most people have. Any choices that "look like" choices always include, in the lives of identifed victims, some of these 'conflict laden people' who act in a prosecutorial or vindictive manner, instead of merely going away. and victims can never, ever break free from them or their affiliates (at least I have never been able to) These people will always exist in life but the weirdness here is that the mental health community has not really been responsive to this, including these prostitutes who are victims, or the other people who they also victimize.

I currently am living my ex-husband, but how this came to pass is that every time I wanted out of the marriage and consulted with a lawyer or someone else, I would either get abused in my personal life by undesirable people or in my work situation, and then they would rotate a "different version" of this husband in. I think that these gangs put so much effort into what I condider and have considered an "arranged marriage" (which had to greatly benefit "someone") that they would have done virtually anything to not let me move out of this for good. Currently, I have not been able to maintain any kind of employment due to the way the other people here act and behave. Although I have been abused enough to be on disability, I have no source of income at this time, other than this "ex-husband" who I really am divorced from now, but cannot move on, and am not on any government assistance. This man also seems to be "stuck" in time due to something that occurred and in many ways functions as if a 10 year old child. For example, today I said I was going to make cookies at some time in the day, and he started demanding "cookies now" like a young child would do. He also wears the same "uniform" to work every day which is the same kind of shirt and same kind of pants, provided by the company he works for, and I think this work situation is a "controlled environment". I have not noticed any of the other employees dressed in uniforms like this, (although this really is helpful to me as opposed to my being a "laundry lady" at home, also). My son is showing more responsibility these days in regard to his father - which is good. I think what I go through with this man is the same thing that anyone who winds up as a caretaker to anyone who has any kind of disability goes through. In addition to dealing with this, I am dealing with an unruly *child* who is now a young adult, and a community where "things are not quite what they seem to be" on the surface.